wild winds - Love Dharma

So the times are crazy, I feel like my mind is growing in high speed and it just takes time for the rest of myself to adopt to this development.

So from the start, I was reading the book 'Love Dharma- relationship wisdom from buddhist women' (by Geri Larkin)and started to adopting some techniques she describes.
Since I was a child I was looking for a prince to come and be with me, sometimes rescue but basically be there, hold my hand and family celebrations, cuddle and spoon me to fall asleep, go for a walk, travel, kiss, love, have sex, .. everything you expect from a perfect partner. In my teens I had some pretty hard times wishing for someone to be there, because there was nobody. When it comes to possible partners I turn incredibly shy. Alcohol helped, but not a lot to be honest. And thankfully I soon found out that whatever alcohol helps me, it doesn't really weight up to what it does to my mind, body and whole self.
Finally I did have my first real relationship, looking back, I know I was in love but I still don't know what kept me for so long. My guess is that I enjoyed being in a relationship so much that it did not matter to me how me and my expartner felt or if the partnership was still good for the both of us (it was in fact not very healthy on both sides).
Because the thing is that whenever I'm not head over heals in love or in a partnership I am constantly looking for a partner, checking out everyone who would kind of 'fit' and then starting to cross of the list.

To come back to the original story and where I stand now- I came again to the point (of course I've been there before) that my longing for a partner/partnership does not get me anywhere, it just holds me back on every possible level. It's also a spiral I often feel trapped in, not a very comfortable position to be in. I decided to just let it all go. And that's how I'm trying to achieve that:
Every time my expartner or the wish for anyone plops into my head, I feel more core, feel that that desire is not what I actually need, and tell myself to let it go. Then I imagine myself being the strong, powerful, passionate women I am, very often I see myself standing on top of a mountain above a (rain-)forest, as a warrior howling with the wind, a bow on my back, knife at my hip, with a feeling that nothing can  knock me over and that I do not need someone by my side.
Doing this little game over and over again helps me get to this peaceful place easier and quicker every time I do it.

I was practicing this when I was at a party/festival this weekend, and I survived the waves of loneliness and longing very good. Better than I ever have.

I started to meditate for myself a few weeks ago, something that I knew what help me for a long time but never felt quiet enough to really sit down and 'do nothing'. I started to really enjoy the silence in my head, and the little games of letting thoughts go as the travel into my mind. It feels light and flowing and afterwords I have the feeling of being able to manage anything I want to achieve.

Some things I still don't have an answer to, like is the job I have really good for me, not money-wise but for my rhythm, self growth, etc.
Do I really want to live in Berlin?
Why am I not in south america or india?

But for now I am ok with these questions and uncertainties, I can not solve this right now so what can I do about it but let it go.

Oh another funny thing, obviously my Maya sign, the white world bridger, is the sign of letting go, so I am letting go. That's also the name of my first album, I have it tattooed on my wrist and is the first advice I gave most of the times. Well, there are no coincidences.